There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning
My life took a dark turn a year ago. It’s crazy, but I had no idea God was using one of my worst experiences to change my life for the better. And I never dreamed I’d be writing this about facing your fear.
Sustaining a head injury in a ski accident was one of the best things that ever happened to me. You read that right. It taught me I had a lot to learn about joy.
To share my story, I created a series of videos. After essentially hiding my pain from the world for five months, I share some of my takeaways about finding joy in hardship, and how God can use pain to bring blessings.
God was so good in my lowest moments, so present, and so willing to gently offer joy to me even when I doubted, I am writing a book about it. It’s my first book and I am almost halfway done with it.
Why am I telling you all of this today? Well, it’s my anniversary. Anniversaries give us reason to pause and reflect. But I’m not only looking back. I’m looking forward, and I want you to join me, my friend.
My guess is, you may also find yourself stuck in pain and fear. You’ve been there for far too long… and you’re wishing for freedom instead. You are wishing for real joy again. Maybe even for the first time.
Am I close? Does the concept of facing your fear speak to your heart?
Facing your fear head-on for the sake of freedom and joy
Let me tell you, when you are ready, facing your fear can bring joy like you’ve never known. I know this firsthand. That’s why I’d like to tell you a story. It’s about trading my fear for joy, and I hope it will inspire you to do the same.
So, my accident took place during what our family likes to call the Annual Six Pack Ski Trip. The Six Pack consists of my husband & me, our two kids, and their fiancees. My accident happened the one time I skied in 2021. Skiing was out of the question for the rest of the year.
Almost.
As Christmas approached, I came face to face with the fact that we would soon be gifting the ski trip to the Six Pack. And, yeah, I was secretly afraid to ski.
- Maybe I wasn’t strong enough.
- What if I was out of control?
- Would something happen to me again? Or – heaven forbid – to one of my loved ones?
- I might ruin everyone’s fun with my fear.
- What if I couldn’t face the risk and quit without knowing what it was like to overcome?
My approach was all wrong. I knew I had to do something to prepare my body and to change my thinking.
My accident happened because I skied when I wasn’t strong. So a couple of months before Christmas, I added HIIT workouts to build some muscle. When the calendar flipped to December and HIIT became s**t, I added squats and core strengthening. I wanted to stay upright on those hills, no matter what.
I was getting stronger. But I was still afraid.
Strengthening my mind took more effort. I knew that the best way to overcome my fear was to talk about it with my therapist (you’ll hear about her in my book excerpt, below). In conversation with her, I realized I was feeling pressure to ensure everyone else would have a good experience because I felt so bad about needing to go to the ER last time.
My family didn’t put any pressure on me. They were wonderful; this was all internal.
I realized the only way I could face my fear without the weight of pressure was to go skiing by myself. Without saying anything.
Yep.
So I secretly checked the forecast, packed all my ski gear (which meant squeezing behind the Christmas tree to get my helmet out of the closet without knocking it over), and created a backup plan with my therapist. If she didn’t hear from me on the way home, it meant I needed her to call my husband because – surprise! – I went skiing. And something happened.
Going to church on the highway
As soon as everyone left for work, I took off. My eyes were teary before I left the driveway. I was feeling so. Many. THINGS. I remember feeling excitement, anxiety, and straight-up giddiness. But above all, I felt united with God.
The thing is, my accident and recovery gave God countless opportunities to show up. And He did! Again and again, He was there with me. I didn’t need to clean up my act first, He met me in the mess where I was.
One huge way He helped me was by providing hope through music. Does your heart also speak the language of music? I know He delivered messages through certain songs. While I was struggling with doubt and fear, songs that reminded me I wasn’t alone like “Never Lost” by Elevation Worship & Tauren Wells were gently planted in my heart. I’ve got it on as I type.
God used so many songs, I added them to a special playlist that I kept on repeat for months to remind me who was in control. So a big part of my secret ski trip was playing that playlist on the drive. Loud.
Be glad you weren’t in my car. I sang God’s praises with such heartfelt gratitude that I was hoarse by the time I arrived at the ski resort 2 hours later.
It was a crisp, cool morning following a super hard frost. The sun was coming up and illuminating the frosty weeds and shrubs along the road at the perfect angle to make them sparkle with beautiful intensity. The glittery, dead weeds were testifying to the glory of God. I knew exactly what God was doing and I laughed out loud. God was making it clear He was with me, showing off, reminding me of what He taught me about His goodness on our first ski trip a couple years earlier, another time I was afraid and He showed up for me. The way those weeds shouted with His restorative goodness filled my heart with indescribable joy.
I was a weed. I knew He would help me shine.
And God made it clear that I wasn’t going to be skiing alone.
Fear becomes a party in the parking lot
I arrived in the parking lot and my heart soared and admittedly crashed all at once when I saw the ski hill. Oh my gosh. People were going down it. Fast. Was I really doing this? Talk about facing your fear. Good thing for the music.
I had promised myself all I had to do was go down the small green hill with the tow rope. I only had to do it once for this to count. Even if I only skied halfway down, it would be worth my trip.
I could barely breathe. After nearly a year of wondering if this day would ever come, I said a prayer and reached for my stuff.
I was about to turn off the ignition when “Yes Song” by KB started. This song had carried me through despair so many times, it riveted me to my seat. I had to stay put until it was over. I sang at the top of my lungs with an imaginary choir in my back seat.
Yes I will lift you high in your lowest valley
Yes I will give you grace
Yes I will give you joy when your heart is heavy
All your days, yes I will
“Yes Song” by KB
After an all-out dance party that alleviated my fear, returned my breathing to normal, and made the people in the car next to me wonder what I was on, I walked into the lodge and rented skis.
Will I give in to fear or actually ski?
The next thing I knew, I was at the base of a hill, skis strapped to my feet, trembling, watching people ski and imagining what they were experiencing. I imagined what it felt like to slow down. And turn. And make it to the bottom without crashing or hurting anyone.
Feeling like my heart was going to explode and reminding myself I wasn’t alone, I grabbed onto the tow rope. I knew I could let go anytime I wanted and begin skiing. Five feet would be better than nothing. But I held on to it with all I had to the top.
Shaking, forcing deep breaths, and believing I could, I said a prayer and took off down the hill.
My inner dialogue was nonstop, filled with positive self talk:
- It’s ok
- You can do this
- That’s the way
- Hang on now
- It’s not that bad
- Whoa that was close but you saved it
- Gosh you better keep doing the squats, girl
- Whew, nice, you recovered from that one
- You’re going to be fine
- God’s got you
- and finally… YOU ACTUALLY DID IT!
I got to the bottom in one piece and wanted to shout for joy!
Tears flowing, standing there smiling from ear to ear, I raised my hands and face to the gorgeous blue sky filled with perfect white fluffy clouds and yelled, “THANK YOU!”
And then I calmed down and skied it again. And again.
I took breaks when I needed to, lying under snow-covered pine trees, watching clouds and singing songs. With God’s help, I eventually skied the tow rope hill 10 times without falling.
It was a win on so many levels.
Pretty doggone satisfied, I could have gone home right then and it wasn’t even lunch.
But wait, facing your fear means facing all of it
But if I was being really honest, there was one more thing I needed to do. There was a shred of lingering fear that remained. Today was the day. After a year of waiting, I wasn’t leaving until I faced it.
I wasn’t completely free.
I hadn’t gotten on the chairlift.
Even though the deal I made with myself was just facing the tow rope hill once, deep down, I really wanted to know if I could ski a “real” hill.
Don’t worry, I promise you right now this blog isn’t going to end with a story of me going over a jump.
I might be a joy-seeker but I’m not stupid. I know I’m still not ready to do the jumps.
Yet.
I turned my earbuds on, found “Yes Song,” (currently playing as I type!) and got on the lift.
Whew, the racing heart! The wacky breathing. The fun of swinging my feet below the chair all the way up.
Even if I got to the top, checked in mentally & physically and found that I wasn’t ready, I could take off my skis and walk down if I wanted. That would be ok. One thing the accident taught me was the importance of listening to my body. I would feel a step closer to freedom from my fear just from knowing how it felt to be on the top of a real hill, looking down.
After thanking the operator at the top, I got off the chairlift and skied to the edge of the hill. The top part was actually a blue hill (one level harder than my usual green), and about 1/3 of the way down, it tied into a green hill, the same green hill I had been making peace with all day.
I stood there a while, recognizing the significance of the moment, assessing the hill, thanking God for my healing and His never-ending presence… and took off.
I zigged and zagged, maintained control, said nice things to myself, sang my song out loud, and celebrated when fear was replaced with joy!
It. Was. GLORIOUS!
When I made it to the bottom intact, I gave myself permission to leave. I had exceeded my goal for the day.
But the joy junkie in me got back in line for the chairlift.
Who knew that facing your fear could be fun?
Altogether, giving myself plenty of time to rest when I needed it, I got on the chairlift 10 times. Thanks be to God, I didn’t fall once the whole day!
Grateful, exhilarated, and dying to tell my family about the day, I found a stranger to take this victory shot and returned my rental skis a different person.
Not caring what it did to my throat, I belted out my songs all the way home. To celebrate an amazing day with God, I watched for a perfectly-timed red light and jumped out of my car, running all the way around it and jumping into the driver’s seat before the light turned green.
A year’s worth of fear was gone. It was so much fun to tell my family about all God had helped me overcome that day. They were surprised and super happy for me. And a couple of weeks later, we went skiing spontaneously… because we could!
Our Annual Six Pack Ski Trip is next weekend.
I can honestly say that we are ALL looking forward to it!
Facing your fear: Your turn
I recognize that you may be reading this, wondering what this has to do with you. Please, let’s go there together.
Something has been holding you back from living fully. What is it?
What are you most afraid of?
Where are you stuck?
How long has it really been?
And how, in some way, can you take a small step toward making it right, toward facing it head-on?
My friend, you deserve freedom and joy. I want you to have what I have.
It’s ok if you can’t actually reenact the thing that came to mind or fix it completely. It might not even be necessary.
Sometimes facing something that symbolizes your fear is all it takes to be moving in the right direction.
Depending on your situation, it might be wise and helpful to work through that first step with the help of a therapist or life coach, like I did.
Whatever it takes. It has been hanging on to you for too long.
Let me encourage you to take one small step today toward reclaiming your life and choosing joy.
PS: Because I want you to have hope now, I’d like to offer you a free excerpt from my book. I’m going to let you in on a really honest battle that was brewing in my heart about trusting in God’s timing when I was at one of my lowest moments last year. It’s a super personal story but I am willing to share it, even at the risk of being judged any number of ways.
Why?
It might help you with the thing that came to mind above.
If you’d like to read a selection from my chapter called “Am I Too Afraid To Trust You, Lord?” all you have to do is click here.
Until next time…
