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I have such a bad attitude right now, I am not sure if I should admit it publicly.

There are times when I buy into the idea that being a joy coach means I should always have good days… this is one of those times. It’s ludicrous.  And I am not having a great day.  So the internal conflict is leaving me with one heck of an attitude.

In all honesty, the current pandemic has me feeling like I am on a rollercoaster.  Some days I am up, some days I am down. You too?

There are times when my feelings vary from minute to minute.  The peaks & valleys are so frequent, I am expecting to hear the announcer say, “Welcome back, riders! How was your ride?”

I want to feel upbeat so that I can cheer others up. While a pro ball player isn’t expected to hit the ball every time, I feel that because I have chosen to spread joy for a living, well, it would behoove me to feel joyful. 

I also know that when that same player drops the ball altogether, it’s ok, because being professional doesn’t have to mean being perfect.  Professional = passionate.

So I am trying to offer myself grace while being super transparent here.

I hope you’ll consider me worthy of sharing joy even though there are days when the grief I feel from COVID-19 leaves me feeling like the emotional equivalent of roadkill. 

One day I am dancing down the street, the next, I am roadkill on a rollercoaster. That’s cool.

As scary as it is to be honest and vulnerable, somewhere, someone could appreciate it. I would rather offer comfort to someone who feels alone than stay safe… so here we go. 

Can anyone be happy all the time?

On a joking level, my kids have fun with the idea that I need to be positive all the time.  If I dare to make a less-than-positive statement (I’ll call it what it is: A negative statement!  The shock!), they dramatically gasp and say, “And you call yourself a JOY coach!”

And then we all have a good laugh about it.

They’re funny.  The twerps.

What isn’t laughable is… when I actually feel down, truly down, I want to hide it, in an effort to seem positive.  I don’t want to bring other people down.

It’s not only my calling, it’s who I am at the core:  I would rather pick people up.

So sometimes I stuff my feelings.

That’s where I’m at today. And it leaves me confused. With a bad attitude.

I could go on all day about my attitude problem and whether or not I am allowed to have one, but the real question is, what’s in it for you?

Have you denied your feelings, gotten confused, and ended up with an attitude?

Yup.  I see you nodding your head.

You’re not alone.  And you don’t have to stay there.

This Bud – and this blog – is for you.

Here’s the thing.  And it’s gross.

Eventually, our suppressed negative feelings will pile up inside like rotten food in an overstuffed garbage disposal. 

Mmm hmm.

When the switch gets bumped, SPLAT, our true feelings will spray all over the place.

And they will stink.

It’s as simple as that.

This is the part where you can be glad my online image search for “garbage disposal mess” turned up nothing. Other than the stellar advice not to put cigarette butts down there.

But here’s an honest question:

Is it possible for any person to have a good day every day?

Of course not. 

As humans, we feel stuff.  We came with our emotions already downloaded, like all the weird apps that come pre-installed on a new phone and can’t be deleted.

Those of us who are especially empathetic truly get “all the feels” because we feel our own stuff PLUS the stuff of the people around us. 

(Thankfully the positive side of this is how it also works for pleasant feelings. Yay!).

Empathy is one of those things that wasn’t evenly distributed (same with sense of direction). If you don’t relate to this, it’s ok.  But I bet you know somebody who does, somebody you never completely understood before.  Somebody you might have considered too sensitive or too emotional. 

In fact, that person’s ability to connect emotionally may be one of their greatest gifts. 

When the grocery store becomes a war zone

Going to the grocery store – pretty much the only socially acceptable way to interact with people in-person outside of our homes for now – can be crazy hard for empaths in a time of social distancing.

Not only do we have to hold back from hugging every hurting person in the store with the whole 6 feet apart thing – and so many people are anxious and fearful in there – we can easily walk out feeling 20 pounds heavier each time we go shopping.  Seeing the pain in peoples’ eyes and feeling it in our hearts gets that heavy. 

Our family needed groceries today and I actually asked my husband to do the shopping. 

This may not sound like a big deal.  Except doing this meant he could come home with a whole bunch of Swiss Rolls and BBQ chips and Oreos that weren’t on the list. 

Not that THAT’S ever happened.(!!!)

But I asked because my heart needed a breather from what feels like a war zone to me. I just could not go in there.

I’ll go to the store another time, when I am feeling stronger.

I want to be with people and look them in the eye so they know they matter. I want to smile at them from behind my mask and hope they can see it in my eyes.

It would do my heart a lot of good to offer encouragement, however limited.

But today, the combination of my bad attitude and the weight of their pain would have left me a pile of worthlesness.

Since we are blessed with the gift of emotions, we need to throw out the idea that it’s reasonable for anyone to have a good day every day. 

We need to protect ourselves when we are low, and share all the hope we can the rest of the time.

So if we are going to feel pain, the question becomes, when I get a bad attitude, what can I do about it?

I am so glad you asked.  This, my friend, this is a good question.

When you recognize that your mindset stinks (much like I did when I felt the urge to share this today), remember that we have choices!

1. FIND A WORD THAT ACCURATELY DESCRIBES YOUR FEELINGS

The key part here is “accurately.” Now is not a time to settle for a word that’s close. Dig and do the work until you find a perfect match.   While you might initially describe your feeling as “sad,” can you be more specific?

Are you feeling:

Why does it matter?

Freedom comes with finding the right word to describe how we are feeling.  Find the right word. Trust me on this. This has helped me time and time again.

I am not an expert on emotional intelligence, but it’s real. While becoming more emotionally intelligent won’t change the situation itself, finding the right word can help you cope with your situation by bringing a feeling of release. You will feel understood.  

Open and print the longer list. Or take a photo with your phone. Whenever you start to feel a little wonky, go carefully through the words until you find the perfect description of where you’re at.  

Accept what you are feeling and when you feel ready, begin to let it go.

2. WHEN IT’S SAFE, GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER

When people ask how you are, what are the top 3 answers that usually come out? 

Let me guess, I’m really good at this! Maybe something along the lines of:

1. “good”
2. “fine”
3. “ok”

That’s incredible! How did she know?

Before we go any farther, I’m not saying to play the victim and share your sob story with everyone who asks. We all know people who continually tell us all that’s wrong in their life.  ALL. Chances are, the people asking don’t really want to know and/or are hurting as well.  Please don’t go there.

So while the truth doesn’t need to be shared with every person who asks – especially not with a dental hygienist who has your mouth full of tools (could someone please explain this phenomenon to me?) – the question is,

When it’s safe, do you share your honest feelings?

Safe means you have people you can be real with.  Safe people can handle your feelings without:

• shutting down,
• minimizing your problems,
• wanting to solve them,
• or judging.

We all need to have a tribe of safe people.

Do you have a tribe?  Who is in it?

There are people in my world who have made it into the inner circle and get the prize of knowing how I’m actually feeling from time to time (wow, aren’t they lucky?).

What’s beautiful about being honest with our tribes is the fact that they won’t run away.

Being accepted even in our lowest states – being authentic and loved anyway – takes away some of the power that difficult feelings have on us.

We start out feeling upset,

we share authentically and transition into feeling upset + loved,

and eventually we transition to just. Feeling. LOVED.

And guess what? Your tribe is likely needing to share as well. By sharing your feelings, the door is open for others to safely share theirs. You are giving a gift. There is so much goodness in feeling less alone.

I was feeling pretty down one day last week. There were a lot of things outside of my control and it was getting to me. Hiding my feelings to protect people was making me want to isolate, which only made things worse.

My breakthrough came in a group chat with my closest friends, the Maniac Moms. 

We call ourselves the Maniac Moms because we aren’t.  So it’s funny.

Anyway, one of the Maniacs asked an honest question.  Down came the walls and out came my flood of true feelings. I didn’t love admitting my feelings… in fact at first, I felt like I would drown. 

But I needed to share them, and I was thankful for the release.

After I shared, another Maniac began to open up.  She was struggling too. 

My heart went out to her and I forgot why I was upset in the first place.

Though our situations were different, our unity in being authentic made all the difference.

Nobody took off running.  We were safe within our tribe.

Figure out who your safe people are and share honestly with them when you need to.

ARE YOU INTO COUNTING?

Me neither. That’s why there are only 2 tips in a post that promised 5.

Next time, assuming my attitude is gone, I’ll go into the other three.  How do you like that?

Update: It’s a miracle! Click here for the other three tips.

Seriously, I really appreciate your letting me share authentically today.  It helped me, and you made it to the end, so I hope it helped you too.  Or maybe it will help someone you know.

In the meantime, let’s see what we can do to be honest with ourselves.

Some questions until we meet again:

• Will finding a word that matches your feelings make you feel more emotionally intelligent and less down?  
• Do you have a tribe you can share safely with and let those feelings out, no matter how negative?

Try. I promise, you will be glad you did.

Go forth and be joyful! 

Better yet, just be YOU, until you feel joyful again.